Life by Calendar

We seem to all live our lives on a schedule, just trying to get to the next milestone in our day, week, year or even life.  Our alarms wake us up every morning, and our clocks remind us to go to sleep at night to get ready for the next iteration of our somewhat cyclical existence.

I too have struggled with the clock.  I’ve watched the day whittled away minute by minute, until the workday floodgates open and I follow other coworkers as they stretch out into the world like branches of a tree, released to live the remains of the day as THEY see fit.  Whether with family, friends, alone or in motion…we work as hard as we can to treasure those moments until we are brought back to the reality of Life by Calendar.

Right now though, I am trying to ignore the calendar.  For me, I have been stuck to milestones for the past few years, each one putting distinct pressure on me to succeed at living to that day, and then to succeed at the assessment which followed.  I’ve had checklists to fill in, individual days counted to make sure I took hormones long enough…or lived as my true self enough to qualify as experienced.  However, my calendar is missing a date, THE DATE.  The date I take my biggest and most significant step on the journey which is my life.  The problem is NOT having the date.

I spend my days looking at my phone, my email Inbox.  I read support forums, looking at others who are counting down their days.  Once again I feel envy, for me a catalyst to anxiety at not having my own answers, my own data to quench the thirst for “Knowing”.

I’ve made progress though.  There is part of me that accepts that every day of living gets me one day closer to MY day.  That day exists, it’s already determined.  The paperwork is in…the team is assessing my file…the admin staff is preparing to call me with a date.  Whatever date I get, today gets me one day closer.

It is by accepting this inevitability that I can spend more time in the moment, enjoying the pleasure of simply existing….as myself.  Whether it’s cuddling with our dogs, driving to nowhere with my girl, or reading a good book…there is a satisfaction to just spending some quality time, ignoring the calendar.

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